FAQs - for mothers apart from their children


Who is a ‘mother apart’? Why do mothers live apart from their children?
A ‘mother apart’ is any mother who lives apart from her child on a part-time or full-time basis, temporarily or permanently. Mothers live apart from their children for a wide range of reasons including:

Family breakdown:
Mothers having residency (custody) or shared residency
When a mother co-parents her child, being a hands on mum on a part-time basis. Mothers may also have been granted residency which does not work out in reality, and her child lives with her ex or elsewhere.
Mothers losing residency due to:

  • Personal crisis – a mother decides to leave the family home (sometimes only for a short while, but a precedent is set)
  • Illness – either mental or physical ill health
  • Work status – a mother being a family breadwinner who is not seen as a primary carer by the courts at the time of family breakdown

Other reasons for being a mother apart:

  • Having a child abducted and taken abroad
  • Relinquishing a child through adoption and/or fostering


500,000 married and co-habiting couples were involved in family break-up in 2009. Child Support Agency (CSA) figures show 66,000 Non-Resident mothers were paying maintenance in June 2009.

What are the common emotions, feelings and challenges facing mothers and grandmothers living apart from their children?

  • Social stigma – it is still more socially acceptable for men to live apart from their children than women
  • Trauma and shock of separation. Sometimes separation happens quickly and unexpectedly. Grief due to the loss everyday motherhood or grand motherhood. Grief can remain unresolved for many years.
  • Loss of having relationships with adult children and grandchildren. The pain of exclusion from important life milestones and significant days of the year.
  • Stress, if they are battling with an ex-partner , son or daughter-in-law and trying to help children torn between two parents.
  • Guilt, particularly if they have little or no contact with their child. Sometimes harsh judgment from others compounds a mother’s judgement of herself.
  • Shame, particularly if a mother has lost residency. Keeping the separation a secret.


What’s so special about mothers living apart from their children? Loads of poor fathers have to just get on with it!
Let’s be clear – children need both parents and living apart from a child can be just as traumatic for a man as a woman. I offer counselling to men and women who are dealing with divorce and separation issues. That said, the experience of living apart from a child is different for women. For example, women tend to feel strong and long lasting feelings of guilt and shame. It is still more socially acceptable for a man to live without his child than a woman. Women apart from their children experience the stigma and stereotype of ‘unnatural, unfit, abandoning’ mothers who “must have done something very wrong” to be in that position.

Who would benefit from my counselling service or from reading my book, A Mother Apart?
In 2008, 127,000 marriages ended in divorce. As a man or a women, whether you had no idea that separation was about to happen or whether divorce proceedings have been initiated by you, relationship and family break up is chaotic and painful. My counselling service is available to all who need support.
My book is written with women in mind, although in their review of the book, Families Need Fathers said, “... The overwhelming impression of positive energy and making the best of a bad situation, coping with grief, change and loss. If the word “parent” or ”father” had been substituted for the word "mother", it would describe perfectly the experience of most FNF members and their families.”

Why did you write your book, A Mother Apart?
I was inspired to write A Mother Apart as I became a mother apart 23 years ago. My marriage came to a traumatic end and in just a few short weeks, at a time of high stress, with a lack of finances, feelings of confusion guilt and not knowing where to get support in a foreign country, the unimaginable happened and I took one of my children back to live with their father. Over the years I found ways of managing my grief and contact with my child, learning from my mistakes to love in the broadest sense and hold on and let go in equal measure. I qualified as a counsellor in 1994 and wrote A Mother Apart as a guide book (it is not my personal story) for other mothers apart. It was the book I needed 22 years ago.

Can you help me with the legal aspects of separation, divorce and being a mother living apart from a child?
I am a counsellor, not a legal professional so I cannot give your legal advice. Often my clients are often going through the process of divorce or Children Act proceedings and my role is to support them emotionally during what can be a nerve wracking, stressful and painful process.

How does counselling work and how do I book a session?
Read more on how counselling works and how to book a session

 
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